


Complicated

by jellyturtle



Series: Past, Present, & Future [1]
Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band), ITZY (Band), 믹스나인 | MIXNINE (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Byeongkwan-centric, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Rated T for Language and Alcohol Consumption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23743732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyturtle/pseuds/jellyturtle
Summary: Shin Ryujin - the very thought of her made Byeongkwan want to vomit; his heart sinking so deep into his gut, he could hardly breathe; his hands balling up into tight fists as body tensed with a torpedo of emotions too complicated to identify.Or maybe it's just Byeongkwan who's complicating things.
Relationships: Kim Byeongkwan/Shin Ryujin
Series: Past, Present, & Future [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727596
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. Complicated

“All in us. Hello, we’re Itzy!” The girls bowed respectfully, bending down to their waists in a typical 90 degree angle.

“Set to be a hero, ACE! Hello, we’re ACE!” The boys also bowed respectfully in the same way.

Despite the dryness in his throat and growing anxiety he felt in his gut, Byeongkwan did his very best to keep his facial muscles neutral as he brought himself back up. He held a passive expression on his face, purposely averting his eyes from a certain member.

“Here is our album. It’s called Itzy’s ICY.”

While he considered himself level-headed most of the time, he could feel his left eye twitching.

 _Relax, Kim Byeongkwan._ He tried to tamper down his increasing discomfort, ignoring the churning in his stomach. Of course, she would be the one presenting it. She was the center, after all. It had nothing to do with him.

“We hope you enjoy it.”

_Why the heck was she giving it to him when the leader and center of their group, Park Junhee, was standing RIGHT IN FRONT of her?_

She had shifted herself from the middle of her group to come closer to where he was standing, stretching out her arms so that it was obvious that she intended to hand the CD over to him.

He felt like ripping his hair out. All he wanted to do was book it and crash for the few hours he was allotted to rest, his body on the verge of collapsing from fatigue. He didn’t need any extra stress, which only increased by the second as he felt her flickering gaze on him. But for the sake of his and ACE’s image as well as everyone else’s oblivion to his distress, he forced a polite smile as he accepted the CD cover, raising his eyes to meet the very ones he had tried to avoid in the first place.

As soon as their eyes connected, he stiffened. Her eyes that gazed intensely at him, softened as the shy smile on her face widened. They probably only made eye-contact for about 3 seconds, but those 3 seconds felt like a suffocating eternity to him, the pressure in his stomach moving up to suppress his lungs.

Luckily for him, his bandmates were too focused on idol formalities to notice. As Jun, Chan, Sehyoon, and Donghun all chimed in to express their appreciation and admiration, he broke away from her gaze, swallowing his discomfort back into his stomach as he expressed his exaggerated appreciation to the other members of her group.

However, while he looked away, she did not; he could still feel those doe-like eyes burning holes into him, his breath quickening and sweat beginning to form. It was only when they finally left, he felt as if he could breathe again and the suffocation left his chest.

“Well that was unexpected.” Chan let out a nervous giggle, which of course, triggered a chorus of high-pitched laughter from the other members of the group.

Everyone laughed. Everyone except for him. Nobody noticed the tension he felt.

“I’m going to use the bathroom.” He really needed to get some air.

“We’re leaving so make it quick.” Donghun jabbed playfully. 

Usually, Byeongkwan would have retorted something sassy back, but the fatigue and sudden shifts in his body’s stress levels left him too weak to say anything. He simply forced a smile before heading out the door, turning off all of his senses so he could pour himself into his thoughts.

 _Shin Ryujin._ The very thought of her made him want to vomit; his heart sinking so deep into his gut, he could hardly breathe; his hands balling up into tight fists as body tensed with a torpedo of emotions too complicated to identify.

It all started during Mixnine.

The heavens had shined favorably upon him and his bandmates to give them an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to audition and potentially debut with YG Entertainment. THE YG ENTERTAINMENT.

He was ecstatic. Debuting with YG meant an increase in public awareness and popularity for him and ACE. It also meant debuting with the security of financial backing.

He was confident. While he could admit he wasn’t the most handsome in terms of physical appearance, he felt his talent made up for it. Who else was able to simultaneously sing, dance, and rap at the same time? As arrogant as it sounded, he thought very highly of himself as an artist and was confident he’d make it within the Top 9.

While he did end up making it to the Top 9, he was gravely mistaken about how easy it would be. Thanks to Shin Ryujin.

Shin Ryujin. She was a JYP trainee, who was automatically worth gold and given a 100,000point mark-up. She was an amazing dancer with the appearance of an innocent deer, her reversal charms flowing both on-and-off stage. And Byeongkwan resented her. Tremendously.

He would never say it out-loud, but deep down inside, he felt she didn’t deserve the popularity she had. While he could admit she was an amazing dancer, her title as a rapper was a joke. While she was cute, she wasn’t the most physically attractive or prettiest. She wasn’t bad, but she wasn’t the most talented either. And yet, thanks to her popularity, the boys’ team had a HELL of a time fighting for their debut.

He still remembered the first round competition. It was the first time in his life, he had ever lost.

_“The results will be announced in 3… 2… 1… Team Boombayah wins!”_

_Byeongkwan felt as if he was socked in the gut, the wind knocked out of him. But he had mastered the art of disguise, catching himself within a split second from reeling and revealing his rage. He immediately turned towards his teammates with a strained smile, patting their backs as empty words of encouragement rolled off his tongue without even thinking. He may have only debuted for a year, but it was second nature to him to act kindly in front of cameras even though all he wanted to do was smash his fist into the wall._

_As he patted Minseok’s back, he snuck a glance at the other team where the girls were crying tears of joy as they embraced one another. A pair of soft eyes met his and for a split second he froze – became absolutely still at the face who gazed at him with a small smile with eyes that held a multitude of emotions underneath the present happiness. He broke eye-contact and turned away, the look of disgust a split second from coming out of his face._

_Shin Ryujin. At this moment in time, there was no one he hated more than Shin Ryujin. His team should have won and they COULD have won, had it not been for Shin Ryujin._ _Due to her immense, undeserved popularity, his team lost the battle even though their choreography far out-matched her team’s. That’s how powerful she was. She was capable of tipping the scale in a way that ridiculously unfair._

_“Do you have any last words?”_

_Why the hell would the MC ask him that when he was already pissed? Yeah, he had a lot of words; many of which were unsuitable for TV. He didn’t want to speak, afraid that his temper would spiral out of control, but with all of his teammates’ eyes on him, he had no choice but to take the mic._

_“Let’s meet again.” He kept the tight smile on his face as he gazed directly at Ryujin, who simply flashed him that infuriating smile again._

_Yeah, they’d meet again. And he’d make sure his boys would crush the girl’s team._

After that, Byeongkwan worked twice as hard – dancing, singing, even pushing aside his own ambition to be number 1 to Woo Jinyoung, the ex-produce 101 trainee whom he knew would have a chance of defeating Shin Ryujin. But it was strange. Every time, he practiced, somehow Shin Ryujin would wriggle her way into his thoughts. Every time he felt exhausted and his body couldn’t go on any longer, the thought of Shin Ryujin revitalized his strength.

He should have noticed it then, that somehow in the middle of practice and fury, his thoughts about Shin Ryujin had turned into an unhealthy obsession. And the obsession started coming out.

_‘Shin Ryujin.’_

_“What?” Minseok looked up at him innocently._

_Crap, he had spoken out-loud._

_“Shin Ramyun. I want to eat ramyun.” He smiled at the younger boy, hoping that the latter wouldn’t notice._

_But unfortunately for him, he and Minseok weren’t the only ones in the room._

_“Don’t lie, Hyung. You said Shin Ryujin!”_

_Byeongkwan almost choked the brat from YG as he jumped on him to cover his mouth, but thanks to Hyunsuk’s freakishly loud voice, it was too late._

_“Shin Ryujin? The most popular girl trainee?”_

_F’ his life. Now Jaeyoung was looking at him with eyes of a hawk, a sly grin on his face._

_“Yeah, Hyung!” Hyunsuk sniggered as he shoved Byeongkwan off him and rushed behind Jaeyoung for protection._

_Byeongkwan swore if that brat said another word, he’d make sure Hyunsuk wouldn’t be able to speak ever again._

_“Ryujin? Isn’t she super young?”_

_He wanted to bang his head against the wall as Seungjoon casually came closer to them, trying to hide the smile on his face._

_“She’s younger than our cutie.” Jaeyoung agreed, putting an arm around Minseok, whom God bless his sweet heart, was the ONLY ONE staring at Byeongkwan wide-eyed with sympathy._

_“She’s an -01 liner.” Sehyoon, that traitor, also joined the conversation, attempting to place an arm around his shoulder, which he threw off immediately with disdain._

_“-01 liner? Wow! Hyung likes them young.”_

_That’s it! Choi Hyunsuk was dead. Minseok (his absolute favorite) could replace him as the permanent and only Mix-Nine maknae._

_Unfortunately for him, somehow the others in the group read his mind and immediately grabbed a hold of him before he could lunge at the youngest, who was on the floor cracking up._

_“Don’t make fun of Hyung!” Minseok (again, his absolute favorite) gently scowled the other maknae, frowning._

_“He’s not wrong.”_

_When the hell did Donghun (ANOTHER traitor) show up? Thankfully, alone this time, although most of the time both the 7 O’clock leader and other ONF leader were at his side._

_He fought back a scream at the growing circle of interest around him due to the slip-up of his tongue._

_“Stop talking nonsense.” He shook the older members off him, grudgingly nodding at them in agreement that he wouldn’t touch the YG youngest (yet). “I don’t like her AT ALL.”_

_“Then why’d you say her name?” Hyunsuk drawled._

_He twitched. That punk just couldn’t stay still, could he?_

_“Because I’m-,” He stopped himself, attempting to find a suitable word to use that was appropriate in the presence of the high schoolers around him as well as dampen his temper._

_“I was… upset that we lost. And I was just thinking about her popularity so I accidentally said her name.” He smiled tightly._

_“She is popular,” Jaeyoung nodded in agreement. “She has a lot of female fans.”_

_“Girl-crush, right?” Seungjoon agreed, coming to cuddle Minseok in a back-hug, who also nodded._

_“Girl crush?” He scoffed, his blood boiling. “More like girl average! She’s nothing special.”_

_“She’s a good dancer plus she’s cute.” Hyunsuk sat up thoughtfully. “Although, I agree with you, Hyung – other girls are prettier.”_

_“Other girls who?”_

Thanks to Hyunsuk’s own slip-up, the attention was diverted from him to the YG youngest, something he was extremely grateful for. After that incident, he made sure he was twice as careful from voicing his thoughts out-loud. But with the growing pressure and anxiety he felt every day, he should have known his unhealthy dislike of Shin Ryujin would spill over again. He just didn’t expect the timing of it to be so screwed up.

_“Hyung… Why do you hate her so much?” Minseok’s soft voice echoed through the empty hallway._

_He froze for a split-second, before regaining his composure to face the younger, who was staring at him curiously. Contrary to his innocent looks, Minseok was a lot more observant than he let on._

_Byeongkwan was silent for a moment, thinking of how to answer the younger boy._

_“… I don’t hate her, Minseok-ah.”_

_“But you don’t like Shin Ryujin at all.” Minseok frowned at him._

_“That doesn’t mean I hate her. I just-“ He was cut off when the younger suddenly grabbed his arm, squeezing it in a death grip._

_Minseok’s eyes were wide with fear, his jaw slack open, and his face becoming deathly pale, all while his grip was becoming tighter. Byeongkwan looked at him confusedly, before turning his head to see what caused him to freeze, only for his own blood to run cold – Right in front of them, less than three feet away, stood Shin Ryujin, her doe-eyes glazed over and a solemn expression on her face._

_The moment his eyes connected with hers, he felt a sudden rush of panic wash over him as those innocent-looking eyes poured into him, as if searching through his soul. His mouth became dry and he couldn’t find his tongue to say anything. After what seemed like an eternity of them staring at each other in awkward silence, she finally bowed her head in respect and walked past them briskly._

Byeongkwan should have had a heart-attack and just died right there. At least, then, he wouldn’t face to face her or Minseok, or anyone else again. To be honest, a part of him wished he had faked a spell of disease right there and then, due to the embarrassment of it all. He still winced at the memory of seeing her stare directly at him with such a grave look on her face as she quickly bowed her head in respect and walked past them briskly.

He remembered being so petrified that he couldn’t speak. Shin Ryujin, the most popular female trainee as well as a high school girl, just caught him, a full-blown adult and one of the male trainees, confessing his dislike for her. Technically, he didn’t say he hated her, but he was in the middle of explaining his negative feelings for her, which no matter how true it was, should have never been verbalized in the first place.

_F’ his life. F’ his life indeed._

After that incident, he went out of his way to avoid her as much as possible. He stayed the furthest away from the girls’ side when they went to perform; he refused to look or even glance over at her out of fear that he would accidentally make eye-contact; he sewed his mouth shut, not uttering a single word about her (good or bad) whenever her name came out. He just wanted to make it so he never had to see her again. But the strange thing was that avoiding her only made him think about her even more, his competitive streak fueling his desire to win over her.

And he did. He ended up winning. The day he won was the day he finally allowed himself to look over at her, to gloat in his victory, before vowing to erase her from his mind forever. But while that day was one of the greatest moments of success in his life, it also ended up being the day of his greatest regret.

_“Who will win the Mix-Nine Final and Debut? Final Countdown! 3… 2… 1… Congratulations Boys Team!”_

_The fireworks went off both on stage and his heart, the weight of the world dropping from his shoulders as he turned to his fellow victors with glee._

_They had won. They defeated the girls’ team and were debuting. Finally! After toiling for many sleepless nights, his hard work had finally paid off. They won. HE won. Against Shin Ryujin. He BEAT Shin Ryujin, the bane of his existence. Finally, he could rest. He turned to face her with a smug sense of victory, but the sight of her caused him to freeze._

_It was the first time he had ever seen her cry, her delicate hand coming up to her eyes to brush the tears that kept falling; her eyes were watery and a soft pink from lack of sleep and sorrow; her shoulders were slumped over in defeat, as if the weight that he had previously carried came over and crushed her soul._

_It was as if time had froze, with everything and everyone around him hazy, save for the sight of Shin Ryujin silently weeping. He wasn’t aware of anything else, couldn’t see or hear anything else – all that was in his line of sight was the image of her crying. And he hated it._

_It was disturbing to see her cry, the smugness he felt disappearing back into his stomach as his gut twisted with discomfort. His mouth felt dry so he swallowed uncomfortably, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the crying girl. And at that very moment, she looked up and connected her eyes with his. Her gaze was electrifying, almost as if she was transferring all her sorrow to him, but then she smiled. She smiled at him._

_Kim Byeongkwan was dumbfounded. Through her tears, she smiled at him, as if they were the only two people in the room – the same smile she gave him when her team had defeated his during the first dance-off; the smile that held many secrets; the smile that implied so much more beneath the surface level. But it was the smile that he did not want._

Byeongkwan remembered tearing his gaze away from her, fear suddenly creeping into his chest that someone would catch them looking at each other. His heart thumped painfully in his chest as he forced a laugh, hugging the friends that would now be his new group members for the next year. But try as he might, after that day, he couldn’t get her face out of his mind. That face haunted his thoughts every single night after that time, causing his heart to heave in his chest. Even now, she would appear in his mind so naturally, her tearful smiling face gazing at him.

He was so deep in thought, he didn’t know realize where his feet were taking him and when he refocused, found himself in a dark room. It was a storage closet, probably left opened by accident, filled with stacks of boxes and rusty music equipment. He blinked, but found himself sitting down on one of the boxes, the silence resonating with his lonely heart. It may have not been the bathroom, but it was a closed-off space, where he could be alone. And that was enough.

He closed his eyes, trying to find a space in his mind where he didn’t have to think, where he could just turn everything off, and rest.

Rest… Rest… Rest-

“Sunbae.”

He almost jumped out of his skin at the voice that came out of nowhere. His eyes shot open and he immediately stood on his feet, idol-mode activated, as he was ready to bow, smile, and speak politely. But when he made eye-contact with the one who called out to him, he froze, all of his artificial functions shutting down in the face of Shin Ryujin. He was rendered speechless, but it didn’t matter because she decided to speak first.

“I have our CD booklet. I was playing with it and forgot to put it back.” She took a step towards him, ready to transfer over the colorful CD booklet in her hands.

He could only stare at her dumbly as she came over to him, reaching out her hands to give him something for a second time. Her eyes were friendly, but the smile on her face was hesitant, as if she was concerned about something. With his idol-mode currently malfunctioning, he slowly lifted up his hands to take the booklet from her, a deadpan look on his face.

And at that moment, time stopped again and they remained that way – his bleak eyes pouring into her soft ones; the grim look on his face contrasting the wary smile on hers – all while the CD booklet was in mid-passing, connecting the both of their hands.

But then suddenly, Byeongkwan felt reality punch him in the face and he reeled back, his bleakness turning into panic.

What was he doing, staring at her like that? And why was she here with him in a closet alone? What if somebody saw them? How was he going to explain his actions? Why did she come to find him?

He found himself even more stressed compared to when he first left his bandmates and was cursing himself with regret for going out of their room in the first place. He should have waited until he got home to find some mindfulness.

Within a split second, a polite smile was on his face and he bowed to her politely.

“Thank you.” He brushed passed her quickly, attempting to book it out of the closet before anyone else could come in when she interrupted him.

“Do you still hate me?” Her voice was so soft that he almost missed her question, but it was clear enough to stop him.

Taking in a breath, he slowly turned. Her eyes, usually so full of confidence, were meek, vulnerability seeping through them. The smile was wiped off her face as she bit her pink lower lip, as if she was trying to prevent herself from crying. Her hands were wringed, fingers fidgeting due to nervousness, as her body shifted from side-to-side.

And it drove him crazy.

“…You think that way?” His voice was hoarse as he took a dangerous step towards her, all reason and logic completely out the window. “You think I hate you? After all this time?”

“Sunbae-“

He backed her into a wall, slamming his hand on the right side of her head as he trapped her with his body. He was so close, he could see the way she gulped nervously, feel her warm breath brush against his own; his eyes pouring into hers with an intensity like no other. For a moment, they stayed that way, gazing into each other’s eyes, soft inhales and exhales as the only sounds emitted from them.

Had it been any other girl, Byeongkwan was certain she would have burst into tears, wailed in terror at his stupid actions. But this was Shin Ryujin – the same Ryujin who danced in a provocative manner so contrary to her innocent face; the Ryujin who had boyish mannerisms allowing anyone to feel comfortable; Ryujin, who rapped with a charisma like no other; the Ryujin, with limitless confidence and drive in everything she did – Ryujin, who drove Byeongkwan crazy because she stirred his heart in a way that he didn’t believe was possible.

And that Ryujin, gazed at him at this moment with vulnerable, yet courageous eyes that refused to shed tears as she confronted him boldly. Hate? No. But the other emotion that he refused to name was too strong, so powerful that it caused him many sleepless nights and exhausted days. It caused him to act in ways he didn’t want and think of things that he shouldn’t have been thinking of. And it scared him. It scared him to death.

“… I don’t hate you.” He breathed out slowly before releasing his arm and backing away, giving her space as he closed his eyes tiredly.

“… Do you like me?” Her boldness caused his eyes to pop open.

His jaw dropped as he stared at her in complete shock. His mind was on the verge of collapsing. Why did she have to pry? When he was doing his absolute best to get rid of any feelings he had for her altogether, whether it’d be hate or the other emotion he refused to name? Like? It was stronger than that, so strong it rattled him to the core. But it seemed as if he was the only one afraid, as she took a few reckless steps to close the gap between them, her vulnerability disappearing into her usual poise. She tilted her head to the side, raising an eyebrow at him.

“…You’re too young for me.” He wanted to curse himself at how lame he sounded when he was finally able to speak again.

He immediately turned away, trying to cover the heat that rushed to his cheeks.

“I’m 19.”

“You’re in high school.”

“I’ll be graduating in February next year.” She rushed in front of him, forcing him to meet her gaze.

“… What does that have to do with me?” Despite the redness in his face, he couldn’t look away from her eyes that now glittered with anticipation.

She shrugged good-naturedly.

“I’m just telling you, Oppa. February 7th. I’ll graduate then… Friday, February 7th.”

 _Oppa?_ Why was she calling him _Oppa?_ And why did she look at him with so much expectation in her eyes? What was he supposed to do?

“…What… do you want… from me?” He could barely get the words out due to the dryness in his throat.

She gave him a small smile, the same one she flashed at him when her team defeated his in Mix Nine and when his team won the whole thing, exactly one year ago.

“… You know.” She left him with that, slipping out of the room as discreetly as she could.

He was floored. _‘You know?’_ He really didn’t. What did this girl want from him? He fingered the pages of the booklet she gave him when he suddenly felt a strange bump. He looked down at the booklet she gave him, slowly turning the page to uncover the bump.

On one of the pages, rested a sticky note with a Kakaotalk ID on it. And in tiny, but clear letters read – Texting hours 2–4 am, in the morning. ^^

His heartbeat accelerated dangerously in his chest as anxiety smothered him at the same time.

Was she crazy? She was barely a rookie and she gave him her number? And what about him? He was still a no-name idol trying to make a breakthrough in his career, who was a whole FIVE years older than her. What was she thinking? Texting hours?

He snatched the sticky-note off the booklet and crumpled it in his hands, looking around frantically for any signs of cameras or recording devices that could potentially get them into trouble. If they got caught, she may have gotten into trouble, but he’d be sent to jail! Texting and making moves on a minor! What the heck was she thinking?

The note remained crumpled in his hand for the rest of the day, his fist refusing to release it out of fear of getting caught. It was only when he was in the privacy of his room, completely alone as Sehyoon took a shower that he slowly opened his fist to review the note, now soggy from the sweat in his palm from gripping his fist so tightly.

Texting hours 2–4 am, in the morning. ^^

He could still see the message she wrote with her clear handwriting, the number trying to engrave itself into his heart. But as he continued to fix eyes on the worn-out sticky note, a cold numbness slowly came over him – first his heart and then his mind.

Standing up, he slowly made himself over to the trash can, and then mechanically, ripped up the note into tiny, unreadable, and unfixable pieces before discarding them into the trash. His mind remained blank for the rest of the night, refusing to allow him to think about her. He closed his eyes and allowed sleep to take over him immediately. But after that day, a part of his heart remained numb to everything as well.

He would never show it. He was excellent at hiding his emotions, playing the part of a happy idol, and of course, there were times he felt genuinely happy with his bandmates and friends. But when he was alone, he felt a cold loneliness try to creep into his heart. But he ignored it. He had to. Because he couldn’t allow it. He wouldn’t allow it.

But as always, life didn’t go his way and he soon found himself alone with Shin Ryujin again, this time on the rooftop, when he was chugging his 3rd energy drink of the day for the outdoor music festival. Running into her in an open space caused his anxiety levels to skyrocket to a whole another level, his body already jittery from the excessive caffeine he had taken that day. He slapped on a fake smile and bowed politely before attempting to flee when her voice stopped him short.

“You never-“

He froze. He should have pretended he didn’t hear her and just ran out of there. They were out in open space, for crying outloud! Someone could walk in on them, or worse! There could be paparazzi or fansites capturing this moment with a million pictures of incriminating proof that Byeongkwan was a pedophile. But something in her voice stopped him.

“… You never contacted me.” Her voice sounded so sad that it caused a pang in his heart, but still he refused to look back at her. Hell, what was he even supposed to say?

“You said you don’t hate me…”

He could hear her footsteps lightly treading on the ground as she came closer to him.

“You said you don’t… Then why do you act like it?” Her voice cracked.

“I’m not-“

“You’re not even looking at me.” She burst out, a mixture of hurt and sadness in her tone.

He let out a sigh before turning his head to face her, which he regretted immediately. While she wasn’t crying yet, her eyes were red and glassy and her shoulders were slumped over, although her feet kept bringing her closer to him.

“I’m five years older than you.” He really didn’t know what to say, but he had to say something –anything to show her the dangers of what she was doing.

“So?” Another daring step towards him with those burning eyes.

“You’re barely starting your career and you want to ruin it already? By contacting me?”

“I never said we had to date-“

“Then what do you want?” He practically yelled in exasperation. “What do you want from me, Shin Ryujin?”

At his outburst, she flinched and fell silent.

“… I just wanted to get know to you.” Her broken voice caused his heart to stop, raw regret seeping into his chest.

He swallowed uncomfortably as she wiped away her tears with her hand. He was torn. All he wanted to do was run to her and tell her confidently how he felt, to finally name the emotion he refused to identify to her face, and smile at her. He wanted to comfort her and wipe her tears away. He wanted to whisk her outside and take her to a place where no one would recognize them, where they could walk around freely. But he was too rational, too jaded, and _too old_ to believe that reality would be kind to them. And he felt _too much_ for her, to allow her to give herself to someone like him.

So swallowing uncomfortably, he steeled himself to say the words he knew were necessary, but that he would regret.

“Don’t. Don’t get to know me. Stop.” And with that, he walked away as briskly as he could, shattering the remains of own heart as he broke hers.


	2. Confession

“You’re an idiot.” Jaeyoung said candidly as he brought the glass to his mouth.

Byeongkwan glared. They were at an outdoor bar, with beers as Byeongkwan spilled his ‘almost’ love story to the older boy. One great thing about being ‘no-name’ idols was that they still had the freedom to go out without worrying about an invasion of privacy or paparazzi chasing them down.

“What the hell was I supposed to do? Confess my undying love for her? Tell her that we’ll make it through thick-and-thin? That’d I’d be her Romeo?”

He didn’t know what he expected from the latter, but being told he was ‘an idiot’ definitely wasn’t it. He had expected a little more sympathy, considering how Jaeyoung was one of his closest friends, even calling him up during the cancellation of his Mixnine debut.

_“You ok?” Over the phone, Jaeyoung sounded even deeper, his bass voice full of sympathy._

To say he was devastated by the cancellation of his YG debut was an understatement. Byeongkwan was completely derailed, unable to sleep or eat for three days. Besides his members who attempted to snap him out of it by dragging him out of his room to force-feed him (literally), Jaeyoung was the other person who fussed over him, calling every day until he picked up the phone.

_“You called just to check up on me? You really do love me.” Despite how crappy he felt, he cracked a smile. “But what should I do? My favorite is Minseok.”_

_“It’s all good. You ain’t my favorite, either.”_

_He couldn’t help but chuckle at the other’s obvious saltiness._

_“I’m kidding, Hyung!”_

_“I’m not.” The ONF rapper blew a raspberry over the phone, causing Byeongkwan to let out a genuine laugh, a first since the cancellation news._

_“Lighten up, Hyung. I was kidding… And I’m fine, Hyung.”_

_“… Really?” At Jaeyoung’s serious voice, his laughter faded._

_“… Yeah Hyung.” He smiled faintly. “I mean, it sucks, but what can I do? I was really upset a few days ago… But I’m fine Hyung. I’ll be fine.”_

_“You’ll make it without YG. You and ACE are amazing already. You’re Kim Byeongkwan, after all.”_

_A real smile curved on his lips – that was Shim Jaeyoung for you, a genuine friend who would encourage you and be with you through thick-and-thin._

_“Thanks Hyung… How’s Minseokie? And Hyojin and Seungjoon Hyungs?”_

_“They’re also fine. They got over it within a day.”_

_“That quickly?” Byeongkwan was amazed._

_His friends from ONF were truly amazing, with their positivity and energy. ACE may have been energetic, but they were nowhere near the hyperactivity, craziness, and joy that ONF exhibited._

_“Well, for us it’s different. Seungjoon and Hyojin are our leaders. If both were gone, how would the rest of us cope? So even though they were disappointed, they figured it’s for the best if we stay as a team. And Minseokie is Minseokie. He was sad, but he accepted it and is happy we’ll be together.”_

_“He got over debuting with me so quickly?” Byeongkwan couldn’t help but feel a little sour, considering how much affection and love he poured out to the ONF youngest._

_“What can I say? You picked a wrong favorite.”_

_He let out a chortle of laughter due to one last jab from Jaeyoung._

“Well, you didn’t have to be a jerk about it.” Jaeyoung’s deep voice hummed, putting an end to his reminiscing. “And Romeo? Don’t both of the main characters kill themselves at the end? Why would you bring that up?”

“I didn’t!”

“Good.” Jaeyoung took another sip of beer before setting it down on the table, a twinkle in his eyes and a small smile tugging on his lips.

Byeongkwan groaned before downing his own glass of beer as the older male watched him in amusement.

“… I don’t get you, Byeongkwan.”

“What?”

“Why torture yourself? She was brave enough to let you know that she likes you-“

“She never said-“

“She’s interested in you,” He corrected, refusing to be interrupted. “And you obviously like her so what’s the problem?”

“I don’t like her.”

“That’s right. You love-“

“Hyung!” He slammed the table with his fist, eyes blazing as he dared the latter to finish his sentence.

But Jaeyoung wasn’t fazed. He simply smiled as he ordered more glasses of beer.

“Well, I ended things so it’s over.” Byeongkwan quickly downed his third glass of beer, trying to forget the last image he had of her with teary eyes that kept lingering in his mind.

“Why?”

“Have you not been listening to anything I’m saying? You know why! We can’t-“

“You can’t date, I get it. I’m also an idol, Byeongkwan. I know. But when you like someone, why would you cut them out of your life? Especially when the feelings are mutual?” He leaned closer, suddenly serious. “What are you afraid of?”

Byeongkwan wanted to laugh. What was he afraid of? Everything! Getting caught, jeopardizing his career, being hated by fans, getting criticized, being shamed for being a ‘predator’ – the list could go on. He opened his mouth to spill his extensive list when the look on Jaeyoung’s face made him snap his jaw shut and rethink his answer. The older boy gazed at him with such an openness that he wasn’t used to, an invitation to think deeper and truly reflect.

What was he afraid of? What caused him to be afraid?

“… Losing.” After a long pause, the answer tumbled out of his mouth before he could even fully process what he was saying.

“Losing what?”

“… Myself.” He looked up to face Jaeyoung, his eyes becoming glassy.

His greatest fear, he realized, was not losing everything; it was losing himself – losing himself to the pressures, the criticisms, and burdens of the world. He was scared that he’d be sucked into the undertow of life and dragged so far deep that he’d drown. But what was more terrifying was that when he thought of Shin Ryujin, he forgot about everything.

He forgot about the external pressures, the malicious comments, and the heaviness of training; forgot about his own insecurities and burdens. Because when he thought about Shin Ryujin, all he could think about was her: catching up to her, going head-to-head with her, and winning against her. She gave him motivation to keep going, but she also made him forget himself. And that was the scariest thing in the world – that one person had the capability to consume him to the point that he’d forget himself.

“I’m scared, Hyung.” His voice cracked. “I want to do well. I want to be successful. And I don’t ever want to lose myself...”

For a moment, they lingered in the silence that followed Byeongkwan’s confession.

“… Then why deny yourself what you want?” Jaeyoung leaned towards him, a gentle smile on his face.

Byeongkwan blinked and rubbed his eyes. It was strange. Although he was smiling, Jaeyoung’s eyes looked sad, a subtle sorrow lingering underneath the encouraging expression, his gaze becoming hazy.

“Hyung?”

Jaeyoung snapped out of it and smiled wider at Byeongkwan, all traces of sadness gone.

“You think too much, Byeongkwan.” He guzzled down the last of his own beer and set it down on the table with a smile.

“You just need to go for what you want. If you’re always hesitant and holding back, you’ll live with regret for the rest of your life. Besides, you’re Kim Byeongkwan. You always get what you want.” He winked, causing the former to look away in disgust. “I know you’re the type of guy who wins when you want to win. So go win! Get the girl!”

“Get the girl?” Byeongkwan scoffed. “Life’s not a fairytale, Hyung.”

“No, but love isn’t a bad thing. It’s what makes us better… Stronger. It gives us reason to keep going, even when times are tough.” Jaeyoung stood up, the smirk still stretched out on his face.

“Do what you want, but just remember, it takes more courage to do what we want than to give up.” And with that, the older boy left him alone to wallow in his thoughts (thankfully, picking up the tab for their drinks too).

 _‘It takes more courage to do what we want than to give up.’_ Jaeyoung’s last words of wisdom lingered in his mind for the next few days, forcing him to contemplate.

It took more courage to do what he wanted? But what DID he want? What did Kim Byeongkwan want?

**What time is your graduation? 4:43 am**

He let out a sigh as he rubbed his temple and wondered what in the world he was doing. And yes, even though he ripped her contact information into a million pieces, it had been engraved into his mind since he read it the first time.

**Read by Shin Ryujin 5 am**

She didn’t respond. He frowned. Maybe, she didn’t know who he was?

**This is Kim Byeongkwan 5:10 AM**

It was only after he pressed sent that he realized how stupid he was. Of course she knew who he was! He had his picture on his ID Profile. Also, he was impatient enough to respond only 10 minutes after she read his text. He threw his phone on the ground, burying his face into his knees with a moan, begging the ground to swallow him up and bury him alive out of embarrassment.

She didn’t reply; not after 10 minutes, or 1 hour, or a day. She didn’t respond after a week. Not even after a month. She never contacted him back at all.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” Chan tried to look over his shoulder, curious as to why he as checking his phone for the 50th time of the day.

“Nothing.” He quickly shut his phone off and jumped back to his feet to start rehearsing again before the younger could ask him any more questions.

What was he thinking? He was the one who cut her off, told her not to get to know him. Of course, she wouldn’t respond to his texts. She probably hated him, for all he knew. And yet, the pathetic part of him kept checking his text messages, a sliver of hope burning in him that she’d contact him back.

He heard his phone go off and immediately dived for it, as he did whenever he received a message the past 2 months. Usually, it was always a message from anyone who WASN’T Shin Ryujin, causing him to deflate. But this time as different. He knew in his gut, she contacted him. And he was right, she did. But not in the way he wanted.

Chatbox deleted. Contact is no longer available 11:57 PM

He smiled dryly, a scratchy chuckle coming from his throat as he felt his heart drop. He had been too late. It was really over between them; it’d been over the moment he cut it off. Despite his first resolve not to feel anything, he felt a stray tear escape his eye as his breathing became shallow.

“Hyung?” Chan looked at him in concern.

He smiled at his maknae reassuringly.

‘I’m fine.’ He nodded at the youngest.

He would be fine. After all, it was for the best. She was 5 years too young and bright while he was 5 years too old and useless. They would have never worked out, never have been compatible. Still, deep down inside, Byeongkwan would have liked to try.

Promising himself that this would be the last time he’d ever make any contact with Shin Ryujin, he sent one last message in the empty group chat.

**Be happy, Shin Ryujin. You deserve it. 12 AM**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sunbaenim… Sunbaenim… ACE Sunbaenim!”

Byeongkwan stopped, slowly turning around to face the voice that called out to him. He had ignored the voice the first few times because usually, ‘Sunbaenim,’ wasn’t directed to him. The only time he was called ‘Sunbaenim’ was with his friends from MixNine, who all messed with each other in good nature based upon whoever’s debut date was first. And Shin Ryujin. So he was absolutely stumped when he saw a boy he’d never greeted before rush towards him.

“Hello Sunbaenim.” The boy took a moment to regain his breath, gasping for air.

Byeongkwan blinked, his mind slowly registering the face of the individual in front of him, causing him to bow in slight surprise.

“Hello… Stray Kids, right?”

“I’m Hyunjin from Stray Kids.” The boy beamed, seemingly pleased that he was recognized.

“I’m Byeongkwan from ACE.”

“I know! I’m a fan!” His eyes shone with admiration, gazing at Byeongkwan as if he were the most important person in the world.

He felt his throat go dry at those gleaming eyes that looked at him, reminding him of a different pair of sparkling eyes that used to gaze at him like that. Luckily, he didn’t have to say anything.

“This is our CD, Sunbaenim. I hope you like it!” The younger boy shoved the CD box into his hands eagerly.

“Oh… Thank you.” He bowed, fumbling around with the bulky box.

“Yeah, Sunbaenim. Make sure you look through everything and let me know what you think!”

“Ok-“

“I’d give you my phone number but I’m not allowed to use it right now so let me what you think the next time I see you! Yes?”

He felt a small migraine coming over him as he gazed at the boy who looked at him so excitedly, like a small puppy.

“… I will. Thank you… Hyunjin.”

For a split second, he thought he saw the child-like smile on Hyunjin’s face shift into a smirk, before quickly morphing back to the innocent expression.

“See you, Sunbaenim.” And with one last bow, he took off, leaving Byeongkwan slightly dumbfounded at what just happened.

Most idols didn’t even know ACE, let alone approach him or any other ACE member. But Stray Kids’ Hyunjin, who if Byeongkwan remembered correctly, was the most popular member in his group, declared that he was a FAN? Was he dreaming?

He found himself flipping through the book absent-mindedly when something fell to the ground, coming from between the pages. He bent down to see what he had dropped and saw that it was an envelope with his name on it. He couldn’t help but crack a smile. The kid wasn’t joking; he really was a fan. Byeongkwan made a mental note to give Hyunjin his own CD the next time he saw him as well as offer to take him out for lunch when he registered that the letter was NOT from Hyunjin.

_Oppa._

He immediately clapped the letter in his hands, folding it in half within a split second. He found himself stiffening up as his heart began to pound in his chest painfully, anxiety rushing through his veins. He looked around warily before deciding to rush to the men’s restroom, into one of the stalls. He locked the door and took in a deep breath before slowly opening the letter, a tiny seed of hope sprouting inside of him.

_Oppa, my graduation time is 8 am. My family and company employees will be there that day with me, but I was thinking of going to the park at Midnight. – Shin Ryujin_

He re-read the letter about four times, each time, his stress level taken up a notch.

Why did she send him a letter when they exchanged numbers? Didn’t she know how risky it was? And what about Hyunjin? Did he even know that the letter was inside his CD case? His mind suddenly flashed back to his short exchange with the Stray Kids’ member.

_“Yeah, Sunbaenim. Make sure you look through **EVERYTHING** and **let me know** what you think!” _

_“I’d give you my phone number **but I’m not allowed** **to use it** right now **so let me what you think the next time I see you**! Yes?”_

_“See you, Sunbaenim.”_

_The slight smirk that appeared on Hyunjin’s face, which quickly disappeared under the guise of an innocent smile._

Holy crap, that punk was in on it.

Byeongkwan folded the letter into quarters and crammed it into his pocket as everything clicked in his head: Shin Ryujin wasn’t allowed to use her phone so she sent him a letter through Hyunjin. And he was supposed to reply using the same method.

He felt blood rushing to his head. Just exactly how many people knew about this? The more people that knew, the more dangerous it got and the last thing he needed was a bunch of people on his back about his apparently not-so-secret relationship. But that was secondary to the current dilemma he was facing at the moment – what to reply to Shin Ryujin.

Should he also send a letter? Too risky; he knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything with all of his bandmates close to him all the time. He couldn’t even go to the bathroom by himself at home, always crammed up with another member or two as they rushed to either get ready for work or bed. So was he supposed to give a verbal message for Hyunjin to relay? That was too embarrassing. He cringed at the thought of saying something cheesy for the younger boy to pass on. What to do?

He decided to settle on a short, curt reply.

“I’ll be there.” He told Hyunjin as solemnly as he could, trying to hide the fact that his ears were burning as well as ignore how Hyunjin was doing his best not to laugh.

“You’re gonna meet me outside the music show? Really Sunbaenim?”

“Sure. Midnight.” Even though he knew Hyunjin was only trying to help, he couldn’t help but feel a bitter taste in his mouth over the fact that the younger male had lied about being a fan.

But he had to hand it to him. The boy was pretty darn convincing as a ‘fan’ of ACE, with an enthusiastic voice, bright eyes, and a winning smile.

“But February’s so far away. Can’t we meet sooner?”

Byeongkwan twitched at Hyunjin’s wounded voice, gritting his teeth as he fought the temptation to wipe the fake pout off Hyunjin’s face, as he could have swore the latter’s eyes were gazing at him in complete amusement.

“I’m only free in February… I’ll be busy with world tour before then.”

“Ok… Thanks Sunbaenim. Bye.” And with that, he slipped away, this time, allowing the smirk to remain on his face as he walked away.

He let out a groan, silently cursing at himself and his present circumstances, but he knew he didn’t have a choice. If he wanted to make it work, he needed to trust her.

Byeongkwan was familiar with the sayings that “distance makes the heart grow fonder” and “time flies when you’re in love.”

What a load of garbage!

He should have never taken MixNine for granted. At least then, he got to see her once a week. Now that he was closer to sorting out his feelings, not being able to see her was torture. Time seemed to fly by slower than ever, every day excruciatingly slow. And the distance between them seemed monumental. He felt like an idiot, a love-struck fool who longed to see her, despite himself.

“So how are things going between you and Shin Ryujin?”

He choked on his beer as Jaeyoung held back a laugh.

They were out drinking again, although this time, at an indoor bar, as both of their group’s popularity started to take off (finally). He had actually called the ONF member to console him after hearing the sudden news of the maknae’s departure, but Jaeyoung made it clear he’d rather discuss anything but that, so here they were, talking about Byeongkwan’s nonexistent love life.

“I can’t even see her, Hyung. It’s ridiculous! I have to communicate through Stray Kids–Hey! How did you know I’m talking to her? Stalking me?” He squinted his eyes suspiciously, causing Jaeyoung to let out a genuine hearty laugh.

“That’s ‘cause I know you, Kim Byeongkwan. I knew you were going to go for it. That’s just how you are.” He chuckled. “So things are going well?”

“No.” He groaned.

“No?”

“I’m scheduled to see her next year, February.”

“That late?” He raised an eyebrow, frowning. “Why?”

“I-I’m busy, Hyung.” He sputtered, trying to form an articulate reason. “I have a world tour coming up.”

“Too busy to even meet for coffee? Or say hi during shows? Do you guys talk on the phone?”

“N-no.”

“Byeong-“

“B-but that’s because she’s not allowed to use her phone right now!” He hated how stupid and small he sounded right now, under Jaeyoung’s critical gaze.

All of his arguments and reasoning for staying away from her until her graduation, which made perfect sense in his mind, now sounded idiotic when spoken out loud.

“… I thought you were Kim Byeongkwan.” Jaeyoung’s voice was full of mock disappointment.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He found himself tensing up defensively.

“You’re expecting her to wait for you for six months before you make physical contact with her? That’s unreasonable.”

“It’s-“

“I thought you were better than that.”

“Hyung-“

“The Byeongkwan I know would man up and get the girl-“

“I don’t trust myself!” He was more surprised than Jaeyoung at his own sudden outburst, blood suddenly rushing to his head as his face reddened.

“… Trust yourself?”

“Forget it, Hyung.” He laid his head on the table, burying it into his arm in embarrassment.

“You don’t trust-“

“I said forget it, Hyung.”

“Oh come on. It’s important to talk about-“

“I feel too much.” He lifted his face from his arm to meet Jaeyoung’s perplexed expression, suddenly gripped with emotions.

The older looked at him in surprise, but nodded for him to continue.

“… I feel for her too much. I don’t know how I’m going to react when I see her in person again… So I’d rather not.”

Yes. He’d rather not risk losing control of his emotions and making moves on Shin Ryujin while she was still young. She didn’t deserve that. She was worth his sincere and honest confession, which he could only give man-to-woman once she was an adult.

“Don’t look at me like that, Hyung. You’re creeping me out.” He muttered as he turned away, trying to control the heat on his cheeks under Jaeyoung’s proud gaze.

“I’m just admiring you, man. That sounds like the Byeongkwan I know! You’re acting like a gentleman. That’s very noble of you to do.” Jaeyoung chuckled.

“Now that I’ve said it out-loud, I realize I sound like a pedophile.” He cussed under his breath as his friend let out another jovial laugh.

“You’re over-thinking it! You haven’t even done anything.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that we have a 5 years difference.” He said, sullenly.

“Five years isn’t that much. Once she’s an adult, five years is nothing.”

“… I guess.”

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking about changing your mind.”

“Of course not!” He glared, wondering when his favorite hyung became so insidious and loved to rile him up as Jaeyoung smirked. “Of course not…”

He wouldn’t change his mind. It was up to her whether to accept or reject him, but he had made up his mind. He wouldn’t run away.

“Do you love her?” Jaeyoung’s voice was soft and his eyes, kind, as they gazed at Byeongkwan.

“… I think I do.”

And as cheesy as it was, or perhaps as wrong as it was, it was true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hyung!”

“Hey Hyunjin-ie.” He smirked as the younger boy recoiled back in disgust. “What’s with the long face?”

“Nothing.” The fake smile was back on Hyunjin’s face, as he realized that many different people were passing by them.

“You sure? I just want to make sure my FAVORITE boy is good.” He reached out to squeeze Hyunjin’s cheek, snickering with glee as the latter fought back a scream.

After a few more run-ins with Hyunjin, Byeongkwan began to play the part of the indulging sunbae, which he discovered to his delight, Hyunjin absolutely abhorred. And of course, that only spurred him to exaggerate his doting even more, finding it hilarious how Hyunjin was completely powerless to do anything against his teasing.

“Don’t overdo it.” The younger boy whispered through gritted teeth, but Byeongkwan wasn’t fazed.

“Overdo what? My love for you?” He pinched the cheek even harder, doing his best to control his laughter that threatened to come out as Hyunjin’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

“Remember, I’m the one who’s helping you.” He muttered, pushing Byeongkwan’s hand away from him.

“It’s kinda hard to forget when you’re always in front of me.” He chuckled as Hyunjin rubbed his sore cheek with the palm of his hand. “What is it now, kiddo?”

“… Graduation.”

Byeongkwan froze, the smile fixed on his face.

“I mean, are you coming to my graduation, Hyung?” Suddenly, there was a pout on Hyunjin’s face and once again, he was reminded of how great an actor the younger boy was.

“… Yes. Midnight, right?”

“Yeah… Be there.”

“I will.” He winked at Hyunjin, who allowed himself to grimace for a split second before the sunny smile was back on his face.

“Yay, Hyung! I’ll see you then.” He turned to leave, when Byeongkwan called out to him.

“Hyunjin-ah… Thank you.”

When the younger boy turned to make eye-contact with him, Byeongkwan gave him a genuine smile, feeling grateful for his help the past year.

“… You owe me lunch, Hyung. I graduated last year.”

His eyes widened in surprise as Hyunjin coughed, trying to play off the small blush that formed on his cheeks. He laughed as the younger boy quickly scurried away, but made a quick mental note to take Hyunjin out to eat one day.

The night of her graduation, a part of Byeongkwan wished he had asked for a location change. It was the beginning of February, and he was freezing his tail off, sitting on the swing set as the icy wind blew in his direction. He thanked his lucky stars that it wasn’t snowing today, or else he really would have died due to hyperthermia.

He glanced down at his phone. **12:45 A.M.** She still wasn’t there.

What if something happened to her? For a moment, he found himself worrying. Should he go find her? No, what if someone caught them? It’d be worse for her than for him. Should he call? What if she still wasn’t allowed to use her phone and she got in trouble because of his text?

He clenched his jaw as his hands wound tighter around the flowers he bought to give to her, feeling completely powerless against his current circumstances in the cold. He had no choice, but to wait. He wasn’t leaving until he saw her. She said she was coming and he believed her.

Byeongkwan was never religious, but by 2:30 am, he found himself praying desperately as his body shook and teeth chattered due to the treacherous weather.

_God, if you exist, please let me meet her. I promise I’ll go to church. I’ll never make fun of Junhee’s terrible rapping again or Donghun Hyung’s lack of humor. God, I’m freezing. Have mercy on me._

Despite himself, he found his eyes closing, his body becoming numb to the hellish cold he felt as he coughed and shivered. He knew if he didn’t go inside soon, he’d probably die from the cold. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He knew he was being an idiot and that he’d pay for it later, but he couldn’t leave. How could he? When she promised she was coming… He’d wait. Wait… Wait...

A warm hand on his face caused him to jolt, his eyes bursting open as he gasped in shock at the warmth that penetrated through his unfeeling cheeks, suddenly open to the freezing air once again. He looked up and as soon as he made eye-contact, froze.

It was Shin Ryujin. She was panting heavily, out of breath as if she had ran. A few stray tears escaped from her sad eyes like beautiful crystals. It reminded him of snow.

“S-Shin Ryujin…“

“What are you doing here?”

“Huh-”

“Why are you here?” She began to sniffle, covering her mouth with her hand. “Why?”

“I believed you.” He slowly got up from the swing, his joints feeling swollen and his bones creaking from sitting too long in the cold.

“What?”

“I believed you’d come.”

“You could have died.” She choked back a sob, tears starting to flow freely now. “You could have–Oh, thank God!”

She launched herself into his arms, burying her face into his chest as she clutched at him, weeping silently. He stayed absolutely still, allowing her to cling to him. And despite the numbness he felt and the icy wind that still pressed against his face, he found himself warming up to her touch.

“Let’s go inside! You’re freezing! And-“

He interrupted her fussing by holding out the bouquet of red roses to her.

“Congratulations.” He gave her a half-smile, the other half of his face still frozen.

“Oh… Thank you.” She took the flowers from him, forcing a small smile on her worried face.

He found himself feeling lightheaded under her hazy eyes that were filled with concern.

“Let’s go insid-“

“This too.” He pulled out the box he had kept in his pocket.

“… Chocolate?” She tilted her head in confusion, her wide eyes full of innocence.

“You don’t like them?”

“It’s not that.” She answered hurriedly. “I’ve never received chocolate for my graduation… Never seen anyone give chocolate for a graduation either… But that’s not important right now! We need go inside-”

“It’s not for graduation.”

He knew he really should not be doing this right now. She was right. They should go inside. He should be inside, lest he wanted to get hyperthermia. He was about to pass out from the cold, his body almost frozen solid. Yet, having her stand in front of him at this moment, made him forget about everything else again.

Because he was with her. Because she was standing in front of him.

She blinked at him confusedly, her cheeks slightly flushed as he brought himself closer to her. He looked down at her, his eyes tracing every part of her face. He found himself melting into those soft eyes that gazed back at him with a mixture of confusion, worry, and care; those eyes that stared into his soul and still shone for him; that perfect nose that scrunched up whenever she laughed; those cheeks that flushed a pretty pink for him and him only; and those lips in which the most beautiful sound of laughter and the most surprising words were said to him.

Keeping his eyes on hers, he reached out his hand to cradle her face in his hand without saying a word. His hand must have felt like ice, but she didn’t back away, choosing to lean her cheek against his hand instead – always choosing to come to him. He leaned forward and as he closed his eyes, captured her lips in a soft kiss. And just as he had hoped, she leaned into him again, reciprocating his affections shyly.

Suddenly, a flood of warmth filled him up from top to bottom, the suffocation he always felt in his chest around her replaced by a blooming liberty. He was finally free; free to love her; free to be true to himself. He was free.

As he slowly pulled away, he kept an arm around her waist holding her close to him, smiling as he watched her eyes slowly flutter open.

“…Happy Valentines Day, Shin Ryujin.”

“That’s next week.” Although the soft pink on her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, her eyes sparkled as they looked up at him. “And you mixed it up! You’re supposed to give chocolate on White Day.”

“I’ll give it to you then, too. And on your birthday. And Pepero Day. And Christmas… And any other day you want.” He smiled at her tenderly, watching as she registered what he was saying.

“…Was that a confession?” She asked teasingly.

Once again, he was amazed by her boldness, but then again, she was Shin Ryujin – her confidence knew no bounds. And thank goodness for that.

“It’s a statement.” He smirked, mirroring her smile as he caressed her face. “You’re mine now.”

“Technically, you’re mine. You confessed first.” Her laughter was the most beautiful sound to his ears, giddiness bubbling up inside of him as her arms came up to wrap around his waist.

“Fine by me. Who else can brag about becoming Shin Ryujin’s?”

“Oppa!” She became as red as the roses he gave her, causing him to laugh.

He dodged her fist, but then took the opportunity to clasp her hand, lacing their fingers together.

“… Finally.” He glanced down at their intertwined hands before smiling fondly at her. “I’ve waited so long.”

“I waited more.” She grasped his hand tighter as the smile on her face widened, illuminated under the full moon with eyes that shone with affection. “… Longer than you.”

“Longer than me?” He tilted his head, confusedly. “What does that mean?”

She motioned for him to bring his head down so he lowered his head, his heart starting to thump in his chest slowly as she brought her lips to his ear.

“It’s a secret!” She laughed, pulling away from him.

“… What?” He gazed at her, dazed as she giggled and smiled at him secretively.

“I’m not telling!” She stuck out her tongue playfully, letting out another laugh at the dumbfounded look on his face.

Despite his puzzled feelings, he couldn’t help but smile as he watched her laugh. But then again, that was the effect she had on him – he was truly smitten by her.

“Come on! Let’s go inside already! Before you freeze to death.” She rushed back to him, slipping her hand in his and proceeding to lead him in the direction to shelter, he presumed.

“… Are you always this bossy?” A light chuckle left his lips, causing her to snap her head back to him in offense.

“What do you mean-ah!” She let out a yelp as he suddenly yanked her to him so that they were face-to-face again, so close to each other that his nose was slightly brushing against hers, his lips less than an inch away from hers.

As she looked up at him in surprise, he found himself melting at her innocent gaze.

“… I’m cold.”

“I know that! That’s why we’re-“

“Ryujin-ah.”

She became absolutely still, in complete shock at the first time he called her by name informally. He let out a soft laugh again at the way she gazed at him in a daze.

“I’m cold.” His voice was no louder than a whisper, as he kept his eyes on hers.

It was when he repeated his words a second time that she understood what he wanted. And while her cheeks flushed, she smiled at him, giving him the slight nod of her head as permission.

With that, he connected their lips once again, allowing the kiss to linger longer this time, as she warmed him up with her shy affections.

“So you do like me?” Was the first thing she said once they broke away, although her cheeky smile and starry eyes indicated she already knew the answer.

He chuckled, tightening his arms around her as she let out a soft giggle.

“Too much, Ryujin… More than you know.”

The smile on her face was worth everything to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this fic. During MixNine, these two were the ones who stood out to me the most so I thought it'd be fun to put them together. Personally, I don't condone minor/adult relationships, which is why the ending is written the way it is. I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to leave me feedback :)


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